My letter will not be so clean, short, or nice, though definitely true about sexual abuse. I think being anonymous will make me feel better about telling everything, so please sign this for me as you see fit. I've felt hurt and odd since I told my story to you the first time. It took a lot for me to come forward and find the courage to speak out, as I've been living in fear since I left my x-husband.
Every day I get stronger, and I’m drawn to you because of the sexual abuse we’ve both encountered. I feel like you understand what I’m saying, and I don't want to just feel defeated and give up, but at times I get pissed off. I don’t want to be a survivor sometimes. I’d rather play the victim’s role and just drink myself through the days, because it’s easier!
But I need people to know what I went through. I need them to know what I face every day. And I need them to know that without God I feel like I wouldn’t even have a reason to be alive.
I struggle inside. I try to build good relationships with my daughters, family, and friends, but the truth is when I get to drinking I can’t stop. I don't want to admit it, but I drink lot. I’m working on that because the last thing I need is something else bringing me down.
Since we spoke, though, I realize now I need to get all this out of me! I know if I tell my story, others who may have survived the same hell won’t give up and will be encouraged through my testimony. I know the abuse from my childhood, abuse from my past marriage, and physical abuse I survived are not my fault and its okay to trust God. The truth is, it’s okay to have courage and believe other people are sent to your life to help you survive.
You have no idea how I appreciate you allowing me to be truthful. In some ways you’re like an angel to me, and you still love me even though you know my faults and failures are real. A part of me says, why do I need to even bring up all the hell? And the other part says, because pushing it down inside of you and hiding it sure didn’t work. So, I’m trying something new to move forward and sharing my story to help someone else in my shoes.
Oh, and one last thing … I’ve surviving, and I'm living a pretty "normal" life now. The past haunts me if I let it, and that will always be a fight, but most days I have complete peace.
I want to live. I want to share my story. I want to be free. I want to win this battle and beat the beast!
"B"- age 34
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