Survivor Stories, Survivor Letter

Nicki

Dear StacyK,

I read one of your posts on Facebook where you said my name would be protected from this letter, so I am trusting you.

I was adopted before I was born. My adoptive parents said I was sent from heaven and placed here for them. As a child they wanted me to know this and that they chose me and loved me with all their hearts. This still stands and always will. But I also learned it was hard for me to accept that I had biological parents who didn't want me. I struggled a lot with this, and as I grew older I began to dwell on the fact that I didn’t feel wanted.

Most of my life I have always looked for validation. I wanted to have good grades, be beautiful, have lots of friends, a boyfriend, etc. In high school I thought I met the love of my life because he was the first boy I had ever dated. I had my first sexual experience with him, but he eventually went on to cheat, lie, and abuse me. He mentally, physically, and emotionally controlled all aspects of my life. And when I was sixteen, after one of our brawls, he raped me in front of his buddies and allowed some of them to join in. Shortly after that, I found out I was pregnant.

I was on the basketball team, played volleyball, and ran track, and my parents were going to totally flip out. But after telling my boyfriend, he convinced me that the only choice I had was to have an abortion. I was raised in church, and I knew I was fixing to commit a huge sin, but the day came, and I went, and it was done.

How do I move on? How do I forget? How do I handle this? I was only sixteen.

I went on to graduate high school without anyone finding out, but the guilt that I felt was and has always been with me.

I moved onto college still with the same guy being abusive and controlling, but then I realized I was looking to fill a void. I wanted attention and was settling for someone else’s love, want, and need of me.

I labelled myself a whore, drug addict, and alcoholic who hid all these things. My family didn't know any of this, and on Sundays I was always in church. I prayed for forgiveness day in and day out. I thought about all the wrong I had done and realize now I was lost. I had no idea I was. I thought if I pretended I didn’t do those things or that those things didn’t happen to me it would all go away.

Finally, I met my husband, who is the love of my life, and after eight years of being together, we had our son. I prayed for this baby! I was scared and afraid God would punish me for the decision to throw away my previous pregnancy. Every day I prayed, “Please let me have a healthy child, God,” and He did! God blessed me with a happy, healthy son who is everything to me. I know I was chosen to raise this beautiful soul. It’s my job as his mother to guide him, teach him, and raise him to have a relationship with God. It has taken me a very long time to understand that I am worthy of this. I am worthy to live this life, and even though I struggle, I now have a relationship with God. I may not be where I want to be, but I’m a whole lot better than I used to be! I know with God in my life I can do anything.

And until today, nobody in my life has ever heard this story. Thank you for inspiring me. Pray it out—Write it out—Speak it out!

 Nicki- 37 years old

 

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Nicki


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