Survivor Stories, Survivor Letter

Stephanie

Dear StacyK,

I see all the comments on Facebook about how you survived sexual abuse suppression. I need to get something off my chest. Please allow me this moment just to vent.

I was about ten to twelve years old when it began. My stepdad would find little ways to caress me or tell me how pretty I was. It then escalated to while my mom worked nights to giving him oral sex pretending it was a lollipop or ice cream. I remember being ashamed but thinking he tells me he loves me and this is what people do who love each other.

Then, as I got older, he would attempt to have sex with me, but it would hurt so bad that he’d never complete the task telling me my mom could fulfill that part for me because she loves him too. I really don’t know how long this lasted. I just can’t or don’t want to remember.

I do remember one night my mom waking me up in the middle of the night crying, telling me she was going to take me to my dad’s house. She knew what my stepdad was doing to me. Of course, I tried denying it because that’s what he always told me to do, but I later confessed. I thought finally my (real) dad and mom would protect me and stand up for me, but my mom ended up going on a party spree to block her pain. My dad being so involved in church figured God would do what was best, and he just prayed about it.

They never talked about this with me again, and my stepdad just shook his head.

My mom left and then got back with my stepdad and asked me if I was okay, but she never left him for good. My stepdad said he only sexual abused me because he was molested as a child and thought that was what happened to children as they grew up. In reality, now that I’m grown, that statement makes me want to throw up! I wanted someone to protect me and stand up for me, not treat me as terrible as they were once treated. Sexual abuse suppression set in, and my teenage years led to me becoming sexually promiscuous.

I was a whore. I kept thinking I wouldn't even know what sex was if my stepdad had not introduced sexual things to me. I always wonder even after twenty-something years … who stood up for me? I thought my parents were the ones who were supposed to protect me. My mom is still married to that man, and my (real) dad still won’t discuss the sexual abuse with me. I think about it from time to time, and some days I can’t get it out of my mind.

I hope now that telling you my truth will finally set me free. I’m sick and tired of carrying that lie around inside of me. Thank you. #teamjustus #sexualabusesuppression #survivorsunite

Stephanie- 43 years old

 

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Stephanie


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