TONYA, AGE 34

Dear StacyK,

I find that it’s been hurtful over the past ten years to not talk about the things that have happened in my life, and I live with the secret that I was raped.

October 2003 changed my life forever. I was once a happy girl who took the world by the tail, but that day in October came, and since then I have become very bitter and angry.

I married the love of my life three years later, thinking everything was okay and that I could overcome this fear. It’s this fear of being loved.

For years, I hid the truth because I felt that it was my fault. This eats away at my soul. I still to this day get flashbacks of the attack, and I clam up around my husband when he tries to touch me. The anger has consumed my life. I went from a beautiful blonde who weighed 135 pounds to this girl I don’t even know. I hate myself every day. I look in the mirror, and I see this 255-pound overweight girl I swore I would never be. I have allowed myself to become this woman who is angry, bitter, and doesn’t take care of herself

A year ago, I finally gave up and decided I was going to learn how to love myself again or at least start by letting someone else love me. I have decided to let the truth out about the rape. I deserve my life back, and I’m going to do something about it. On April 22, 2014, I am having a gastric bypass, as this will help me lose weight, rebuild, and get my life back. I believe what you are doing is awesome.

I have never told anyone my story. You are the first, and not one family member or my husband knows this.

I can't tell you how much better I feel already just writing about it. Hopefully I will no longer be afraid to walk outside in the dark alone and be scared that someone is waiting to attack me. Rape is brutal, and it does hurt, but the pain I caused myself is way worse. I'd love to meet you one day and say THANK YOU and give you a hug. I know your book "Be Beautiful Being You" will helps other people learn to live again. Thank you so much.

Tonya- 34 years old

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